Up until recently, I was a nice easy-going girl. Honest and loyal. Then I realised it wasn’t doing me any good to be like that in London. When you’re too honest here, you get screwed over all the time. When you’re nice and adaptable, same thing. People just play with you. I’m a pretty intelligent person, you’d think I would have learnt quicker. But the optimist in me wanted to keep believing that some people actually still meant what they said. Funny how every guy I’ve met in London has told me that I had only been meeting idiots. To end up playing me in exactly the same ways.
Does that make me fucking stupid or what?

So it’s over. I don’t believe in love anymore. I just want a guy I can play with and treat like my dog. Actually, I’d probably treat my dog better if I had one. I want a guy who’ll fall in love with me, who’ll be totally devoted to me, who’ll buy me gifts all the time and who’ll worship the ground I walk on. We’ll date, I’ll cancel our plans most of the time so I can go on girly nights with my friends, and you’ll have to deal with it on your own, because I won’t really care about how you feel about that. I won’t put out until I think you really deserve it, which might be never. I’ll never call you, especially not when I’ll tell you I will. I’ll be vague about everything that regards ’us’. Don’t expect to ever meet my friends and family. I’ll have dinner with my ex whenever it suits me, preferably when I’ll have already made plans with you, and I won’t care about how you feel about it. And despite all that, you’ll still hope I’ll come to see how special and wonderful you are someday, and you’ll just never give up hope. You’ll be there for me when I need you, you’ll look after me, you’ll give me that unconditional love only a dog can give. You’ll tell me I’m beautiful, I’m wonderful, I’m the best, and that you’ll never leave me.

Please be a handsome dog, I don’t like ugly dogs. I don’t mind if you’re a foreign dog, I’d probably prefer that actually, but you need to bark in proper English so you can understand all my orders and write me the most beautiful love letters (to which I’ll never reply of course).

I’ll of course expect you to take me out for dinner in a very expensive restaurant on our first date. You’ll buy me expensive cocktails, I'll probably have a couple of lobsters or three, and you will foot the whole bill, that goes without saying.

I’ll obviously be nice at times and will give you nice cuddles, so you remember why you actually love me so much and keep telling yourself I’m the perfect woman for you.

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