i'm finally buying a house and i'm absolutely terrified...i know i have to do it as i cannot continue to pay extorsion rateds on my rent (and somebody else's mortgage) but i've now come to the crunch, put an offer on something and i'm waiting for the response...
meanwhile, to add to the feeling of fear and isolation, there's the issue of my friends. since about a year and a half i've lost weight and put myself together and (god willing) look now really hot or at least much much better than before...consequently, all these so called girlfriends i've been chummy chummy for the past 4 years have decided they are not too comfortable with me anymore...it's unbelievable, i've been on the receiving end of hostility in various forms all due to my new improved appearance...why cannot they deal with it? one was openly hostile, saved my number under another name and everytime i called her she called me 'Trish' and laughed saying 'oh i've saved u under the wrong number' (for about 4 months). same person invited me to join her for a pic-nic and consequently totally ignored me; another one, every time she sees me (now by chance) keeps repeating 'my god u look so hot, u look fantastic' as if to say 'dear me you really looked like shit before'; another one totally ignores me and i can now say we are not friends anymore; another one doesn't miss an opportunity to dig in any way, we went to a restaurant the other night and out of the blue she remarked that she knows better restaurants (i chose the venue) when i told her about a hot guy who's pursuing me, and the shit kept coming, all packaged in smiles and little cute ohs and ahs to the point that i cut the evening short at 9.30 (on a firday night) ...so in a way it's good to know where i really stand with these people, as i'm now wondering why they were friends with me in first place, but it realy hurts as to be honest i could have invested my time and love in other friendships, real friendships...why is it so difficult to find a good female friend? why are female so unpleasant, why do they have to send you shit pretending they really really like you? you know what these women deserve to be unhappy, because of their hypocrisy.

i'm so scared tho...i feel lonely because i've realised i don't like these people and i deserve good friends, who are not intimidated by good looks or success in a friend, but they actually welcome it...i feel lonely because it really scares me that i'm going to buy a house soon, and it's a huge responsibility...i'm happy about that but at the same time i'm very scared.

on the heart front, there's this guy i really like, but at the moment he's far away and it's possible that we'll be together in january but as well there's a lot of uncertainty around that one too...in a way i really really like him, in another i'm a bit hesitant as i've been on my own for a while now and i like to be free and be able to do what i want without having to report or feeling that i owe obviously an explanation...i'm scared that he will take my freedom away and try to dominate me and control me and influence me to a point that i'll lose myself...i've come out of a relationship where that was the case, and it took me ages to come back, to find myself again and now i really crave a relationship but at the same time i'm aware of the fact that i could fall in the same pit...the problem is i like a bit of rough in bed so to speak lol so i don't mind a guy who a bit 'assertive' shall we say there, but that doesn't extend to normal life, in day to day life i need a bit of freedom although i'm honest and don't cheat etc. e.i. i'm a bit of a harmless flirt...

so these are all my fears. maybe i need a bit of counselling lol no seriously, it's a moment of change and although i'm happy of many things that are happening, i'm also TERRIFIED totally terrified, i used to be bulimic and now i feel again the old urge to eat to calm down..nothing drastic or out of control, but the urge is there...i suppose this is how an ex- drug addict feels possibly...i hope i'll feel better soon, because i really feel like shit now.

please help me if you have any tips...

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