Hello everyone. I thought I’d try this out because the girls I’ve been meeting in bars lately are just not what I’m looking for. They expect me to buy them drinks, compliment them and make them laugh. I’m not rich (I inherited a fortune but I lost my PIN) and no matter how hard I try, I’m not even remotely amusing. I used to think I was – but then I realised it was just my third nipple. It’s on my cheek, you see. The accent used to work for me, but it’s faded lately. It’s really beginning to annoy me… So I thought I’d see if all this internet malarky works. About me? I’ve just hit the big three oh and am from Ireland. As to a job, well; I’m employed by Boris to clean under the city’s bins. I’m his right hand bin bottom cleaner. I do it with a toothbrush so it’s a fiddly job but it’s satisfying. The pay isn’t great so anyone replying should be prepared to share my duvet under the arches at Tower Bridge. “Yuck” I hear you say? Don’t worry, the river’s never far and I wash the sheets when it’s sunny. It’s been a while, but it’ll be spring soon. My best feature? My teeth. I have great oral hygiene thanks to the free toothbrushes – I get to keep them for myself when they start to wear. In my spare time I like to play with my two dogs – we play fetch on the bridge. The cars make it more exciting for the little cuties. I had three until yesterday but a little old lady offered me money this morning for Rambo - to keep her neck warm – It’s snowing really hard, so I couldn’t say no.

So what am I looking for? Well, now that my twenties have come to an end I think I’d really like to find someone with an eyesight problem. Ideally a deteriorating condition. I’d like to let myself go, you see; years of gym membership have taken their toll – I have to stop. It's not healthy. I want to return to my Irish roots and drink more. I’ve been neglecting my heritage too long. My perfect girl would be shy, insecure and needy; ideally not much of a looker. Middle age spread and a little moustache are winners. I don’t want to have to go through this dating thing again – so it’s important she’s not going to be able to leave me for another man.

Anyway, make sure you have a profile picture or send me one soon. I’ve been conned in the past by beautiful girls who just want to meet my puppies. They don’t send a picture and promise me they’re Princess Fiona – and… Well… you know the story; they turn out all pretty and confident and smart. That might have done it for the old me, but the new me is superficial through and through. If you’ve no interest in bringing me my Diamond White before bed each night, you’re not The One. Please move on.

Oh... and most important of all... 'The One' will understand irony very very well :)

Anyway.. if you've finished that with a smile on your face then good. Job done. You've passed both intelligence and humour 101. Drop me a mail, with photo, and tell me what you're looking for and what you have on offer! Jokes aside, so long as you're intelligent, witty, attractive, confident, not too thin, not too fat, not too warm, not too cold (er.. not like porridge) - you know, the usual... we'll probably get on just fine!

BTW.. the puppies do live with me at Tower Bridge... Maybe just not under it. :) And not being one for endless hours of internet chitchat i'd be in favour of adjourning to a pub after some intitial pleasantries

Will

And write something to stand out even if it's big black letters it proves you read to the end

DON'T BE SHY. IT'S NOT BIG AND IT'S NOT CUTE. :)

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