Hi guys

Im writing from my parents rooms as this is where I have slept for the past couple of days.

That confession was the first thing I wrote as I got home from the attack and I am so happy and overwhelmed at the amount of people who reached out to me. Thank you so much...some of your words stuck on me such as emails from...at the train station i felt to jump infront of a train but some of the words of these faceless online strnagers suck in my head.

Thanks a bunch...the days after (fridays and saturday) I spent screaming and having panic attacks and random outburts of tears....i couldnt sleep for 5 minutes without screaming...I never ever thought it would be like that.i dont think i will stop having nighmares..i thought id feel scared at worst but everytime i saw a car or even a man id get flashbacks and feel like i was reliving the moment...and my heart would beat fast and i wouldnt be able to breathe and id start scream.


Ive cried so much that i actually cant sleep anymore...

I have told my mum and dad as my dad is a teach and i have decided i DO NOT want to get the police involved.

:( sorry guys...thats one step i cant take. I know to tell the police would help but I just want to bury this and move on with my life as having a court case or investigation which may not even be fruitful and alsoo everyone will find out then and i wanna keep this private.


My parents have consulted a rape specialist counselllor in croydon through Havens (Rape Specialist). who i will be having 2 50 minute sessions with.

The two biggest things I will always know I will find hard to get over was the nature of the act.....and the fact that this is the story i will tell of how i lost my virginity........its gonna stick with me forever.


The next day i realised i had alot of bruises i didnt even feel on the night.

Ive gone from depressed to horrified but i also cant be in a room alone as i feel scared like somethings gonna happen.


IM OVERWHELMED BY gumtrees response. you guys are such amazing people and even though you simply typed words you do not know how much you uplifted my spirit when I was most down and ecouraged me to have hope and know eventhough not today one day i will be able to get over this


AND TO the people who think this was a 'lie' or 'bullshit' or 'crap' Im really dissapointed in you is simply all i can say. If you were a 16 year old girl studying her gcses youd know this isnt something to lie about..


Also Katie Piper from channel 4's my beautiful face taught me you cant let a traumatic experience get you down... she has been my inspiration.


I dont think I will be able to comfortably look a man in the eye ever again though...talk less of date one.

2009 has by far been the WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE


Ill keep you updated.

Through my recovery my dad suggested i write an annonymous journal or blog to unleash everything


thoughts?

thanks so much xoxooxo

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