http://www.gumtree.com/cgi-bin/list_postings.pl?posting_cat=1286 en-GB Latest posting for Gumtastic - Gumtree users' favourite ads! Sat, 26 Jul 2008 05:18:00 GMT 142 18 http://www.gumtree.com http://www.gumtree.com/images/logo.gif I am looking for a highly motivated hunting cat to borrow for a few days to solve a mouse infestation problem. Cat must have previous hunting experience be highly motivated and very good working independently. Will feed cat and pay per mouse caught. Milk reward incentives available. Serious applicants only. Please inquire by email Mr. Belvedere http://www.gumtree.com/london/04/26663604.html Yep I agree. I have been filling out a lot of forms lately. They ask about Everything Whats you religion? Your sexuality? 5 years work experience A next of kin A referee A reference Describe an experience you had with your best job Describe an experience you had with your worst job A cover letter Medical history Really why do they need to know all this? I can understand some of it. But when your applying for a job behind a bar do they really need to know Everything about my life? I was recently travelling in Australia and did some work out there. Had one job and this is how my interview went Employer quot Have you ever worked in a factory before mate quot Me quot No I havent&quot Employer quot Ah no worries mate youll get the hang of it&quot Me quot Yeah it doesnt seem too bad&quot Employer quot Whats your address mate quot Me quot Ah. I dont actually have one im staying in a tent on a campsite. Is that going to be a problem quot Employer quot Nah mate not a problem. Ill just put the name of the capsite. Want to start today or tomorrow quot Me quot Tomorrow quot Employer quot Yup no worries mate&quot Me quot What time shall I come quot Employer quot err Well we usually get her around 10am so before 10.30 mate&quot Me quot Cheers Ill see ya tomorrow&quot Employer quot Help yourself to a beer in the fridge on your way out mate&quot Ive come back to this uptight country and hate it so much. You have so many forms cover letters tests about 30 health and safety videos you need to watch videos about theft. I get tired thinking about how long the process can be getting a job. http://www.gumtree.com/london/45/26003945.html .but Im willing to try. Anyone else out there brie-curious? 30m http://www.gumtree.com/london/44/26003944.html Hi Its a long shot but usd to a friend that worked at Mother Hubbards Fish N Chip restuarant ingleby Road thirnton between 1987 -1990? I am Mark used to work at the Royal Mail building on Duncombe Way behind Grattans Of Ingleby RoadI was a member then of the Frog Toad rock club in briadford Nr ice rink we lost contact when i moved to a new part of the business You was working for Boots in the Arndale Mall when I saw you and I said something i regret then I need to opologise and I did not mean itfrom what I kmow you have since then been married and so have I and have a daughter now would lreally like to meet up for a drink sometime and put the misunderstanding right I have to do this and cannot explain why in writing. if anyone knows of this debbie she was tall slim and had a then shaggy perm which came to shoulder length and was a happy person made me laugh I am now 42 so she will probably be around 36-40 if anyone knows this Debbie pleae get intouch and ask her to reply via gumtree add http://www.gumtree.com/london/77/25986877.html only needs a little bit of cleaning no longr needed as going aboard collect any time ) http://www.gumtree.com/london/74/25528674.html Ok heres the deal my flatmates been annoying me recently so im looking for someone to take him off my hands. Good points 1) Of a mature age fully house and potty trained. 2) Christian so he cares about others and loves everyone. 3) Has an extensive Dvd collection 4) Keeps things clean and tidy. 5) Lets you steal his bread and milk Bad points 1) Still acts like a spoilt little kid 2) Over-religious. Has a kid of his own with someone hes no longer with but woe betide if you try have sex with your gf while hes in the house. 3) Most of the Dvds are obscure films that you havent heard of for a reason. 4) Hoovers at stupidly early hours of the morning 5) Steals your icecream Will accept 49.99 or nearest offer. He comes complete with spare clothes a pc and a giant Lotr poster. Youll need to arrange transportation though. http://www.gumtree.com/london/46/25248246.html we stop at the lights i couldnt see your face and i noticed you were wearing a black dress short and beautiful you changed the radio and i notice no rings on your finger the lights change and you race off and we got stuck at the next set of lights i was turning left you were going right you gave me a smile that melted my heart if you get this and would like to have a drink get in touch http://www.gumtree.com/london/44/25248244.html Please find below the problems of being an Egg 1- You only get laid once 2- It takes you three minutes to get hard and when you do someone hits you over the head with a cold spoon 3-Only your mother gets to sit on your face 4-When you come its in a box with Eleven others 5-Your father was a cock This was hard to write as being an Egg myself i had to face many of the listed concerns- Help please http://www.gumtree.com/london/44/25094944.html 2 angels at Palmers Green at 2309 Angels are usually viewed as emanations of a supreme divine being sent to do the tasks of that being. While the appearance of angels also varies many views of angels give them a human shape. Thanks for your help. Keep in touch facebook http://www.gumtree.com/london/11/24955211.html thankyou london for luring me here with your prospects of fame and fortune. thankyou to the smog and smut surrounding me every day. thankyou for the endless people who walk into bump past you and sneer at you. thankyou for the loneliness i feel because nobody loves me thankyou to the worlds smallest violin breaking into tune now x http://www.gumtree.com/london/91/24955191.html For sale. Nearly new Ford Ka. few scratches hardly noticeable. Will take reasonable offers Collection only. Jess-the-stig hotmal.com http://www.gumtree.com/london/66/24954866.html Will Herbie Ever Ride Again or will he remain Bananas Body and Soul A rare sporty classic is available for those collectors out there who have been searching the small ads showrooms 2nd hand dealers for the right model. We all know what it s like You get a copy of the local auto trader you think you ve found the perfect one looks good on the outside but after awhile the interior lets you down and it turns out to be a high maintenance model that won t start on a cold winters morning because you have neglected to take him for out for awhile. This reliable healthy brown 1975 British model with low mileage is a classic with long smooth sleek athletic lines and well curved bumpers with additional well developed features notably a strong sturdy chasis and healthy rev counter vroom-vrom-Chicka-boom-boom It also benefits from a soft interior that is particularly kind on the skin durable and long lasting and is not liable to develop any flaws when you scratch the surface. Full service history available He has a good engine and low mileage so won t let you down provided you treat him well. Never an Aa member And never breaks down. Hes nippy around town but also likes the occasional long run into the country or down to the coast. This kind of rare classic is not generally available in today s market so only serious genuine bids will be considered. Girl racer types looking for a quick joy ride need not apply well there are exceptions 2 every rule Gear stick in mint condition and amazingly still in its geunine leather cover Open 2 all offers But seriously folks a rare collectors item at an affordable deal. Warning 1 in 3 used &quot sporty classics&quot could give you a nasty shock. And Robin may prove to be not so Reliant Of the thousands of used &quot sporty Classics&quot we check each year a third have a hidden history including the illegal copying of this genuine add so let the buyer be aware And if you are unfortunate to be deceived then the not so genuine article may have outstanding finance it may have been stolen or is an insurance write off you could be the one who pays. That s why its well worth checking out the &quot Real Deal&quot before you buy Insurance policy required photo I d. a must Or just Aa Ask http://www.gumtree.com/london/43/24930343.html This message is for all you guys out there who are looking for love Dont Give Up I met a wonderful guy through this site and now we are very happy together. Good luck http://www.gumtree.com/london/10/24886610.html Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer then travelling home grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese Tv. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers large fries and a Diet coke. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating Rink. Not To Mention. 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts. 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of Screwdrivers. 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the Fairy lights were plugged in. 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations Were chocolate. British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas Cracker-pulling accidents. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth. 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars. And finally. In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet. http://www.gumtree.com/london/19/21769019.html Hello there thanks for reading my ad. I am selling the gherkin from the burger I bought yesterday. I do not like gherkin. All proceeds of the gherkin sale will go towards buying me a new burger for lunch today. Thanks. http://www.gumtree.com/london/34/23587834.html Hobbies include Stuffing face with crips watching Trisha on my council flat couch Scraping dirt from my toenails with a chopstick after chinese takeaways Belching farting throwing empty Fosters cans out the window to the hoodies below going shopping in my pajamas and a winter coat scratching arse with dinner fork (great for hard to reach places) talking with mouth full interested in man that finds this amusing http://www.gumtree.com/london/46/23408146.html I am in really big trouble and none of its my fault. I very kindly offered to look after my girlfriends fish whilst she went on holiday to Teneriffe with some of her friends from work one of who is getting married soon to frankly a very boring bloke from Sales called Darren. We dont live together despite having been in a relationship for the past five and half years. To be honest the crux of our lack of commitment to a long term relationship marriage and kids is due to her obsessive need to love her goldfish named Kenny after the late Dj and comedian Kenny Everett. When shes had a couple of pints of Merlot she insists on recounting the tale of how she won Kenny at a fair on the Downs just after the erstwhile entertainer passed away in 1995. Her deep held belief is that Kenny the Goldfish is the reincarnated soul of Mr Everett who has been punished for a misunderstanding during his life and his general piss taking. Sadly after only two days of looking after every whim of the ageing fish he decided to move on to having a bit of a laugh with me after I had smoked a scoobie or two. Lying with barely a movement at the top of his tank I thought he was a gonner. I thought perhaps the kiss of life would save the fish but the slippery little sod wriggled out of my hands when I got him out of the tank and to cut a long story short exited the seventh floor flat via the window without a parachute. Please send me some help as to a more plausible story of how the fish dissapeared as I will be accused of murder and dumped and I love her and dont want to lose her. http://www.gumtree.com/london/44/23408144.html I think i am in love with Tristan. do not tell him Love your boss http://www.gumtree.com/london/16/23293516.html Hi you were the elderly (60 70s) lady in Asda who asked me to reach a tin off the top shelf for you. I was the 50s male who was only too willing to oblige. You had a low cut v neck jumper on and when you bent to put the tin in your trolley I could see right down the front. To my utter amazement you were not wearing anything underneath I then asked if there was anything else I could help you with. You replied &quot Yes I could do with a hand to pack and then put my shopping away&quot You also mentioned Tea Hot Crumpet as a thank you. I was in a bit of a rush so declined your offer. I have regretted it ever since. If you read this then please let me know when you are shopping next and where to meet you. I am most Definitely helping you put the shopping away next time. http://www.gumtree.com/london/32/23201132.html Im looking for my first trip up into space. Whatever training needs doing count me in Wages can be negotiated. Any job considered. Oh and one more thing I dont have the uniform and a little scared of heights hope this isnt a problem. http://www.gumtree.com/london/68/23157968.html Hi all I have a broomstick which I bought from Woolworths for halloween two years ago and which is now taking up space I need for other miscellany. It is in good condition only used once. If you care to take it away please ask unfortunately it wont fly so youll have to collect it yourself ) Thanks S http://www.gumtree.com/london/64/23157964.html Hello my name is Ann. I write an article to newspaper and I need your help. If your partner comes from the different country and you use several languages simultaneously. Mabye you speak two or more languages. If you have the dog. Please answer this questions How do your dogs bark? Do your dogs react to commands given in the different language? Do you teach your dog commands in the different language? Please write your your partner and dog name (what races the dog is) Could you also write the country from which you come. Thank you for your patience and sorry for my english Best regards http://www.gumtree.com/london/86/22852186.html for summer trip to italy. all xpenses paid. You know the deal xx http://www.gumtree.com/london/46/22529146.html Hello a group of art students from Metropolitan Uni are organising an exhibition of artworks related to Pigeons photos drawings sculptures performances.ect)The exhibition will take place the 16th of April from 1pm to 4pm in a public park nearby the Whitechapel Gallery in east London. A small catalogue of the event exhibition will be produced afterwards. You are welcome to contribute We need you Please contact us Asap if you think you have works that can be submitted and for more infos digital files reproductions. are Good Many thanks. Nicola Pigeonista http://www.gumtree.com/london/61/22327161.html Hi gents I am a young and attractive narcoleptic lady looking for someone who will indulge my sleepiness at all times of the day or night. I am really after someone who doesnt sleep at all to look after me when I nod off. This usually happens in odd places like in the queue at Woolies or sometimes even at the wheel of my car (crazy You would have to be prepared to pick me up off the floor grab the steering wheel and tuck me in at sometimes the most inappropriate times. In exchange you get to hang out with a lovely girl with the following attributes age 24 long brown hair slim figure enjoys swimming tennis watching tv and napping on your lap you must be physically fit (able to carry 57kg of sleeping girl attractive in a genuinely attractive way aged 24-30 please email and send a photo and i will do the same looking forward to hearing from you Zz xx http://www.gumtree.com/london/59/22327159.html Big hairy ape seeks fair damsel to throw over his shoulder and carry to his lair. Must like bananas. http://www.gumtree.com/london/34/21769034.html Do you have a gnome infestation? If so we can help £53 vat per callout regardless of number. These things are a bloody nuisance all they do is sit around your garden and clutter it up. We also offer to send them on a permanent vacation for those of you who are believe in humane trapping. With this service you will get regular postcards from the gnome telling you where it is and how much fun it is having at your expense. Please see picture for examples of our service. http://www.gumtree.com/london/66/21977666.html Hi A few years ago (around 2003 2004) I sold my soul on ebay. A cute guy bought it as a mascot for his band for the bargain price of around 25 quid. I feel bad because I forgot to send him the certificate due to a combination of laziness and forgetfulness. Id like to get in touch with him so I can send it on even if its too late for him to have it as a band mascot. I cant remember his name or address but will remember if he reminds me. N x http://www.gumtree.com/london/68/21609268.html washing machines chipped to go faster also you can use copied washing powder in them. Say goodbye to drippy washing with our turbo remapping chip it will rock your socks off We are currently developing a super wave accelerator chip for microwave ovens too cook a chicken in 7 seconds (comes with a free suntan its still in the design stages we have blown a few right out the window so far but we are sure we will crack it For more info just drop us a line on our email address youvegottobeanutter scotwebs.co.uk http://www.gumtree.com/london/73/21314373.html I am Susan the sole of the foot. This is my confession. Everyday I am trampled upon and beaten. But do not despair For years I developed thick skin with which to batter the floor which had so far battered me and ingrowing toenails with which to punish the merciless and unstoppable rolling on of the feet which put me down everyday of this worthless life. But now I am now a new sole a sole of relentless fervour of unbreakable strength in the face of constant defeat I am a rolling force against which the waves of dirt and grime into which I am trod will never succeed I am the sole of uprising and righteous self-worth which stands on the ground firmly and says no I Will Not Be Your Support No I Will Not Let You Stand On Me No You Will Never Again Find The Earth So Easy To Walk Through With Such Happy Memories For From Now.From Today You Will Have Your Sole No More I have extricated myself from your smelly socks I am Susan of sockville roamer of rooms crawler of carpets padder of pavements and foundation of feet No More. I am now Susan the soul of the earth. In body I am fragmented and disintegrated lying upon the ground with only the hum of the hoover and the swish of the street cleaner to wait for. But no matter. For I am the soul of the entire earth now. I lie here with all the soles that had gone before and soon I will welcome my forbears as my predecessors welcome me now to this great spherical graveyard of soles. You may never fully realise that it is us really that you walk upon that you sleep on play football on build statues upon wage wars upon and which separates you from the hot interior of this great ball that carries you through the universe. I am the earth. And you my ex-friend are now without your sole http://www.gumtree.com/london/62/21314362.html Found In My Living Room.One Elephant Id just returned home from my weekly shop at Asda and guess what I found.go on guess. There as large as life sat on my newly imported persian carpet (50 off at Homebase) an elephant. It sat there and just looked at me as if I was the interloper. Well I didnt really know what to do.would you? I definitely locked the door when I went out and the windows were still on their safety catches. The cat-flap was undisturbed and the chimney was in the same place where it always has been so Im not quite sure how he gained entry but there you go hes here now and Ive got to live with him. Im not complaining really as hes quite good company but he can be a bit itchy when he snuggles up in bed.and that trunk Anyhow fellow gumsters if you hear of anyone thats lost an elephant then please ask them to contact me here. They will have to have proof of ownership as Im not going to let him go and stay with any old Tom Dick or Harriet. Thanks for your sympathy for the elephant in my room. Pierre xx http://www.gumtree.com/london/59/20699859.html Lost In Oxford Area 12 Year Old Elephant He Is 11 Feet Tall And Weighs 9 Tons I Would Be Grateful If You Could Check Your Garage Or Shed As He May Have Sneaked In Un-Noticed He Also Tends To Follow People In The Street So If You Could Be Extra Vigilant I Would Appreciate It If You Do Find Him Please Do Not Attempt To Put Him In Your Car As He May Panic Due To A Previous Bad Experience In A Trunk I Am Worried That He May Panic And Become Ill So Please Ensure That You Leave Him Plenty Of Room. Please Print This Picture And Keep A Copy With You At All Times As I Have Already Travelled To Africa 16 TimesIndia 13 Times And Asia 7 Times Only To Find Each Instance To Be A Case Of Mistaken Identity. http://www.gumtree.com/london/99/20688899.html Just a quick Thank you to everyone who sent christmas boxescards and best wishes to all of us out here in Afghanistan.it made the difference in such a big way.it was heart warming when even a few teabags and handful of sweets arrived.thanks for everything.the lads and i return the thoughts http://www.gumtree.com/london/14/20635914.html Hi This tall slim athletic 1967 model (Gti) male comes complete with a full money-back guarantee (see Mum for details Tanned white bodywork in excellent toned condition. Fitted with original teeth short light brown hair (some greys may be included at no extra cost fully expandable accessory kit. This friendly reliable thoroughbred is equally well suited for cosy nights in with a good film a bottle of wine or adventurous journeys through life (businesses backpacking road trips weekend breaks and fun nights out in Leeds Huddersfield His five-speed gearbox includes suitable settings for friend soul mate passionate lover chef general slave Newly refilled with high performance vegetarian fuel having been drained by tough journey with previous owner s large set of baggage Happy to cook meat for carnivorous felines Genuine reason for sale I ve escaped now I m free single again Mottos Life is what you make of it. Think positive. Live life to the full make every day count. Treat other people how you d like them to treat you. See challenges solutions instead of problems. Value the simple things in life like me Meaning of life Happiness expectations reality so if you don t expect much we should get on just fine For further details to book a test drive (extreme sport insurance required) email smilinggherkin aol.com or if you re feeling brave can offer me a good home text or call 07528 298317 Steve http://www.gumtree.com/london/87/20544187.html this is probably the worst ad for a painter ever. im not good at writing ads. but i am an amazing painter decorator. my father and i work together. he taught me everything i know about painting when i was still a wee one. the two of us will come out give you a free quote and talk to you about what youd like to do. people say that theyve never seen anyone pay as much attention to painting as i do. thats because i love my job. i think youll love my job too. http://www.gumtree.com/london/83/20544183.html I am currently seeking a millionaire (or millionairess to keep up with todays equality) to give me a taster of what its like to have such an amazing amount of money. Prefferably a brainless nitwit of a person you must be willing to lavish your fortune on me by paying for my car to be fixed and customised to my own specification. In exchange I will be happy to draw you a picture of myself complete with a frame made from chipboard. After this we will then both go our seperate ways in the knowledge that we have made each other happy. http://www.gumtree.com/london/11/20357411.html He came to my office to give me details of the Budget and then when my back was turned he mixed up all the chairs so I couldnt tell which one he was in. The scamp http://www.gumtree.com/london/25/8760725.html I am looking for a smallish Dragon about the size of a large Dog preferably young and trainable (not too big as cleaning up and feeding becomes too problematic) I dont mind if it is the flying type as long as it can be trained to roost at home I dont want to have to spend days and days looking for lost Dragons Color is not that important but I would like if possible a greenish greyish traditional color but I must emphasize that if there is a shortage or perhaps the last dragon in the litter then color is not all that important. I dont want to sound too picky picky but if it is the fire breathing type of Dragon you have for sale I am wary of these of fire breathing dragons unless the have a family history of good behavior etc and not bad tempered. Also please advise if the price includes delivery or if I will have to organise to collect the Dragon myself. If you have any manuals booklets tips advice etc on bringing-up and training Dragons these will also be appreciated as I have not had a Dragon as a pet before. http://www.gumtree.com/london/70/20924870.html hi would you believe it? one week i lose my mind now i have lost my soul i think it has been nicked by a travelling blues band who are doing a gig in dover a great Plaice for Sole music but you never know so if anyone is going through Doverand can hear a band sounding pissed off that will be the blues band and if you see my soul strutting its stuff well grab it and can you please return it to the care of the madhoose gartnavel Glasgow. cheers from a poor wee soul. http://www.gumtree.com/london/04/20072004.html Please can anyone offer us a lift from anywhere our only objective is to get as far from London as we can any where will do let us know where youre driving and well try and arrange to meet and in return you will be live on Virgin radio Five minutes of fame whaddya say Sat, 9 Feb 2008 00:00:00 GMT http://www.gumtree.com/london/82/19905082.html Saxophone trumpet or trombone player wanted for stilt walking band. Must be able to sing and harmonise 150 to £300 per gig per musician and plenty of work. Call me on 07939368874 or email polesapartstilts ntlworld.com To see more check out the web site at w.polesapartstilts.co.uk or YouTube at http w.youtube.com watch?v Wiel2sgTtOc http w.youtube.com watch?v 7g-zyTbcntI http w.youtube.com watch?v gg24tDxnn3M http://www.gumtree.com/london/03/19702803.html There is a sad truth to the world today. I am part of a dying breed of people known as &quot shell users quot We are an old-fashioned bunch preferring the warm glow of a green screen full of text over the cold blockiness of a graphical interface. We use ssh scp and even occassionally ftp. Back in the days before high-speed connections quot broadband&quot ) we would dial up during off-hours to avoid being slammed with huge phone bills. The whole &quot Microsoft Windows&quot fad will fade away sooner or later but in the interim our kind is facing extinction. Because there are fewer and fewer of us I must help keep our lineage alive. I am looking for someone to help me do this. I need a woman (obviously) who is willing to raise a child with me in the method of Unix. Our child will be introduced to computers at a young age and will be setting emacs mode before any other child can even read. I earn a sufficient income to support a family in modest comfort. Other than the fact our child will be bright text-based and sarcastic we will otherwise be a normal family. We will even go to Disney World and see Mickey Mouse. So if you are a woman between the ages of 18 and 40 who is ready to raise a child in the way of the shell let me know so we can begin the process If you are ready to raise more than one child even better Ps yes this is for real. Given the right person I would obviously propose before we call fork Pps I only set emacs mode for my ksh session. I only edit files using vi. Just wanted to clear that up. And Im looking to raise the child(ren) as a dedicated couple so if you arent interested in being married you may wish to select a different posting. N.B on the issue of relocation. I live in a place where my income expense ratio is proper (i.e. greater than 21 Im willing to live anywhere in the world where this remains true. Ive been to much of the country as well as foreign nations. There are no limits to where I will live so long as the job market for unix admins is robust enough to be sustainable. And yes I am interested in a strictly monogamous situation. Ive been known to actually turn down offers of &quot two chicks at the same time quot http://www.gumtree.com/london/98/19702798.html w.thudguard.com Thudguard baby bump hat Learning to walk in a world of hard surfaces just got safer Lightweight cute and protective safety bump hat. Major medical support and great peace of mind. The baby bump hat for tumbling tots what is thudguard? Thudguard is a revolutionary new product an infant safety hat designed to help absorb and reduce the impact of head injuries due to a fall or collision. It is suitable for babies and toddlers aged 7 months to 2 years why would I need it? Learning to walk in a world of hard surfaces can turn a special moment into a heart rendering incident in a flash. Its normal for young children to sustain bumps and bruises occasionally as part of exploring the problem is this kind of fall is very common in even the safest of homes and gardens. The damage to a falling toddlers hands and knees can be an acceptable form of pain for learning but a head injury can be traumatic for both infant and parent how does it help? Thudguard is the only product of its type in the world that complies with safety standards and the only product endorsed by Childrens Accident Emergency Experts. Thudguard helps cushion the Forehead Side of the head Back of the head and most importantly the fontanelle &quot Over 500000 childrens head injuries are recorded each year &quot (Dti how do I order and pay? To order go to main website w.thudguard.com just click the buy it now button and select the quantity you require. Payment is accepted through PayPal to ensure the highest level of security for both ourselves and our customers when and how will I get my order? within 2 working days in the UK (recorded delivery) 5 10 days outwith the UK. Learning to walk in a world of hard surfaces just got safer Trade Enquiries Welcome mail thudguard.com Main Website w.thudguard.com All patents granted pending Tm Copyright 2001- 2008 belong to Kelly Forsyth-Gibson http://www.gumtree.com/london/17/19659417.html I was in hyde park on Sunday walking along with a coffee. As I sat down to have a smoke I dropped my cigarette. By the time I put down my coffee to manage to pick it up a grey little scoundrel of a squirrel ran out of nowhere grabbed the cig and buggered off. I could swear he looked back at me as if to say &quot got a light quot I was feeling a little down broke up with gf and all but I laughed my freaking head off. Life is all about the little things. A squirrel with a cig go figure P p.s. Although it was a Gauloise Blondes cig from France. If anyone sees that junkie (Grey 1 foot diana fountain area hyde park) please drop me a line. http://www.gumtree.com/london/01/19617501.html Do you run or work for an organisation that plays a role in your local community? At Gumtree we ve designed a special branded Gumtree noticeboard to display in a communal area waiting room or office so you can keep people up to date with current events and relevant information that might affect them. We think it s a great way to bring people together establish your role in the community and also allow Gumtree to give something to the community too. They are completely free (subject to availability) so whether you are a community centre a youth club a doctor s surgery a school or any other similar organisation please get in touch. We ve got a limited number to give away on a first come first served basis so if you would like one then please call 0207 908 6589 or email gumtree lexispr.com. Just let us know your name address and the nature of your organisation. Depending on availability we will be post this out to you immediately. The only small condition is that you send us a picture of the noticeboard in its new home Thanks and bye for now The Gumtree Team http://www.gumtree.com/london/47/16156047.html Hi there I am a partially human cyborg from the planet Tatooine. When I am not using the dark side of The Force to mercilessly persue the Rebel Alliance and the Jedi to the ends of the universe I like to kick back with a movie and or listen to classical music esp. John Williams peices. I have two grown up kids Luke and Leia. I am looking to meet a woman for fun times and or possibly more. Thanks for checking my ad D. Vader http://www.gumtree.com/london/93/19501093.html loads of free fresh air climate change is here thats why im giving away fresh air the government says im only allowed to give away 5 plastic carrier bags packed full of fresh air per household a deposit of 1p which is refundable for the cost of the carrier bag which will be crammed full of your fresh air dont delay get your fresh air today before someone else does or they put a tax on it call terry on 07837 965 403 and i will personnally fill your bag up with fresh air 07837 965 403 http://www.gumtree.com/london/46/19408046.html hi girls im lookin for a lady friend whos not too demanding.who can listen to me moan and argee with my opinions when im drunk even if i dont when im sober) looks are not important. it would be nice if you could cook. if not be able to run to the chip curry shop.i spend a lot of time in a semi-recumbent position (lyin on the sofa) so i need a lot of back rubs.thanks i can only see one girl at a time (due to laziness) so you might have to wait http://www.gumtree.com/london/85/19257185.html According to an article in a magazine a committed relationship goes through 5 key stages. These are 1. The Romance Stage This is when you and your partner have just met and everything is absolutely amazing. You can t get enough of each other. Neither of you can do any wrong in the eyes of the other mainly because you re both still on your best behaviour. 2. The Disillusionment Stage This is where you begin to realize that your partner is actually a human being (horror of horrors You get to know each other more and more and as a result you start recognizing their various flaws and shortcomings. You see your partner in relaxed situations and you become more relaxed as well. 3. The Power Struggle Stage As the characteristics from the Disillusionment Phase intensify they become harder and harder to deal with. You will most likely begin to pull away from each other in this stage. At this point you both still believe that conflict is a bad thing but you are increasingly aware of your many differences. You fight to draw boundaries in the relationship and as a result even small annoyances become big issues. 4. The Stability Stage This is a restful and peaceful time compared to the last stage. This stage is also known as the Friendship Phase or Reconciliation Stage. Some couples never make it to this stage but the ones who do find that they have deeper feelings of love connection and trust with their partner. You now have history together and most people begin to rely on the predictability of the relationship. 5. The Commitment Stage This is the stage when both couples have a clear notion of who their partner is faults foibles and weaknesses galore yet they make a conscious choice to be with this person in spite of all of those things (and in some cases because of those things You are no longer with your partner because you need them but because you ve chosen them which means the level of resentment you felt in the Power Struggle Phase has decreased if not disappeared. Now I read this article in disbelief as none of my relationships have ever gone through these stages. Instead my relationships go through the stages outlined below 1. The Who-the-hell-are-you-and-how-did-I-get-here? Stage This is where I wake up with a pounding hangover next to a snoring hairy naked man. Clothes may or may not be scattered around the floor. He may or may not have scratches down his back. I may or may not rush to the bathroom (but end up in the airing cupboard) being sick. 2. The Introduction Stage This is where we finally get acquainted. Usually I will be hanging over the toilet bowl being sick and he may or may not be pissing in the sink whilst telling me how and where we met and what a goer I am. Too weak and confused to resist I give him my phone number although decline his suggestion that I perform an act of oral love on him. 3. The Sober Meeting Stage We meet up again when I am sober and bright eyed and I realise that he is not as hairy as I first thought. In fact he s quite cute. Without the curse of alcohol we are both on our best behaviour. We get on fabulously and we part after a chaste kissing promising to meet up again soon. 4. The Still On Best Behaviour Stage Comfortable familiarity. The sharing of poorly written poetry. Dinners movies and walks in the park. Thinly veiled secretive lusting and only the minimal of sexual groping. This stage lasts for approximately a week. 5. The Lust Stage Nothing else exists in the universe except him. I forget all about my friends and family. I don t need food and water to sustain life. I fear that heart will burst from excessive joy. No dinners no movies just a tangled mass of naked sweating thrusting bodies. Our neighbours pound on ceiling walls floor shouting at us to keep the bloody noise down. This stage lasts for approximately two months. 6. The Familiarity Breeds Contempt Stage I start raiding the refrigerator or turning on the television after sex. The frequency and timing of sex becomes predictable. I have sex not because I want it but because I can have it. I no longer make sure my legs are shaved and he forgets what my sexy lingerie looks like. I fantasise about others whilst getting it on. Friends begin hearing from me again. I start farting and burping in front of him now. This stage lasts for around a month. 7. The You-are-really-pissing-me-off Stage What I once considered to be cute habits of his are now driving me insane. I have a desire to strangle him in his sleep. He refers to me as the nag I moan at him constantly for not understanding and respecting my feelings I masturbate because sex is too much of an effort. I flirt with other men and he mentions far too often Sarah the new girl at his work who is pretty and blonde and who is not a nag. This lasts for two weeks. 8. The Don t-let-the-door-hit-you-on-the-way-out Stage This is where it ends after a drunken screaming argument. He ll tell me that I m no fun any more and have I put on weight? I ll throw the heaviest object I can find at him. He ll gather up his meagre possessions and try to make a dignified exit as I continue to hurl abuse at him (usually centred around the size of his manhood There will be a nasty fight over who owns the Strokes Cd. Apparently jut because I was there when he bought it does not mean that it is mine. I will then drown my sorrows in a whole tub of strawberry cheesecake Haggen daaz ice-cream calling my best-friend up to wail at how heartbroken I am. She will remind me that I actually didn t like him very much in the end and then we will move on to discussing what is happening in Corrie. So who fancies going through my 8 stages with me http://www.gumtree.com/london/08/19166508.html looking for some sort of job starting fairly full time at the end of june-ish until october-ish although if you require my services earlier then that could be on a part-time basis. My main roles would be general fetching sorting out of matters and wise-cracking. Hopefully a sort of &quot Robin&quot role to your &quot Batman&quot status. Any tasks such as tea-making getaway driving filing proof-reading and other such tasks are all acceptable. I study Mechanical Engineering during term time so any tasks such as tuning in radios and hacking sticks inventing shite come naturally Hours are highly flexible (ie if you say 9 and i turn up at 1030 then that should be cool) The pay is also flexible but preferably should be well over the odds for the sort of work done. My skills include Good tea-brewing Witty(see above) Good use of sarcasm Curling Can play guitar badly know my way around edinburgh well Close to amenites and public transport links Own Car Own Phone I aint got no cigarettes So in conclusion 21 year old male mad skills seeks fun work any type any pay. Ps 10 discount for celebrities gangster related work Call Craig on 07812106086 http://www.gumtree.com/london/86/18870186.html Today I found a pair of ear rings that I forgot existed then it got me thinking about all the things Ive lost that I dont remember. If you think you might have found something that I forgot I lost could you get it back to me as soon as possible because I think I might miss it. http://www.gumtree.com/london/40/18869440.html i am looking for some people who want to celebrate national hay day things to do on national hay day include eating hay burning hay finding needles in hay building things from hay anything really tell me youll be there seacroft tesco (outside greggs) on Monday 21st Jan at 6.00 pm p.s bring your hay http://www.gumtree.com/london/38/18804938.html Nincompoop wanted to take me to a family gathering. Must have flat sticking out feet a stutter and an ability to cause a blunder wherever he can i.e. bumping into people and knocking drinks out of their hands slipping on stray sausage rolls and doing the worst dance ever If you think you fit this description then why dont you reply. http://www.gumtree.com/london/66/17479066.html Heres your chance to buy a brussell sprout. It is a wonderful example and is suitable for home freezing. http://www.gumtree.com/london/12/16520812.html A true Monk would have no interest in the proceeds of the sale of a Ferrari. This is the opportunity of a lifetime for you to do even better dont be just another monk who sold his Ferrari. Give it away instead. I will gladly accept a Ferrari or any other fast car from you in exchange for the spiritual experience of giving it away for no other reason than that you dont want it anymore. I am still horribly enshackled with material ambitions and will serve as the perfect counter-point to your new spiritual self. When you sell the rights to your book and your movie keep in mind that I will come up frequently as a reference to the person who suffered with the unspiritual love for the material. I will make you larger than life by promising to be stressed sad and unhealthy helping you drive home your point even harder. So dont underestimate the weight of this offer Please email me immediately if you have any material possession packing huge horsepower on 4 wheels and I can help you stop suffering from it by accepting the burden of possession (as long as the police arent looking for it http://www.gumtree.com/london/17/14424817.html Hi Im looking for the girl who walked past me 5 years 7 months 3 days 4 hours 2 minutes ago in prices street or maybe I was somewhere else I cant really remember the thing is we could of had something good something meaningful if only I stopped you and asked you for a light or the time anything to get your attention it could of been the start of something so magical that hollywood would make a movie about us but unfortunately I have to be like the other weirdos on here who cant control there own minds get over there missed connection and dont make the same mistake again and instead have to put up a stupid ad thinking youll see this and remember me So if you remember me gorgeous email me Im waiting Sorry had to be said eh http://www.gumtree.com/london/76/18664876.html SeaKing Sole mate for calm and stormy waters schooled in the ways of the world. Preferably well eeled and free of crabs he must be honest ergo no business sharks people engaged in fishy activity or reefer smokers. A fan of Ken Loach filmsI like to surf the net have a positive attitude and live by the principle of &quot youll sea it when you believe it&quot I am of the Jewfish faith. Musically inclined I hope to find someone who can hold a tuna or preferably play guitar- bass or otherwise. I am not discriminatory so welcome men owar shrimps weeds and bottom dwellers equally. Hoping to fall for you hook line and sinker Con a guppie (Please refer to ancient Greek) Shelly Goldfish http://www.gumtree.com/london/20/18587520.html Anyone see the new &quot Officeworks&quot tv commercial quot Back to school&quot Check out the school they envisage everyone going back to school to. http://www.gumtree.com/london/08/18495608.html Hello there. Are you a budding Perlemoen Poacher? Perhaps worried about getting your rubber duck out of the surf and away from the meddlesome police as quick as possible? well hello then. or perhaps we find ourselves in a different world than that. Maybe you are a Norwegian tourist keen on seeing our wonderful scenery and country. you too could use a big Landrover to take you to exotic locations off far beaten tracks. whilst snacking down on some of our fine biltong.just dont ask for whale biltong please. have some respect Either way you want a land rover yes of course you do.its macho and makes up for small reproductive organs. I know this all too well. I need however something a little more feminine. Im not one of those folks. Im a mans man.but i need a car with curves and grace not grunt and chest hair (albeit a wig) I want to swap.or im going to sell this for R35k onco what have you ekse? perhaps a big old merc or something similar. no naff chicos or conquests here matey. or perhaps you have something out of the ordinary. a unicorns horn. a scale from a mermaid.im open to suggestion. no patricia lewis and cliff richard back catalogues of tunes though. realy http://www.gumtree.com/london/84/18472484.html I was miles away and when the ticket popped out I involuntarily said thanks. Has anyone else had any experience of this? Perhaps with snack dispensers coffee machines photocopy card crediters? Do get in touch. http://www.gumtree.com/london/17/18293117.html I confess I really am in a tizz. You see the thing is I lent my friend (of many many years not some geezer I spoke to in a pub)some money and now he wont pay me back. It was 15 pence alright its not a fortune but its the principle of the matter. My friend wont return my phone calls or emails so I sent him a letter recorded delivery and he still ignores my requests. Now I have little option but to consider going to the police. Grassing on your mates doesnt sit easy with me but in my opinion my friend who wont pay me is the real Judas in this affair. I have emailed him to say that he has 24 hours to pay my 15p or I go to the old bill. This whole matter is bang out of order and I have considered going to my doctors for anti depressants. I just had to bring this whole mess out into the open and share it with yous lot. http://www.gumtree.com/london/15/18293115.html http w.youtube.com watch?v BggvGMv4ajA http://www.gumtree.com/london/50/18259650.html I was strolling around Highbury Corner yesterday pondering on the likelihood of finding a public convenience with a mechanised hand dryer when who did I see strolling out of the Turkish patisserie complete with a baklava in hand? Thats right that wild and crazy guy himself Steve Martin Noticing how he was struggling to keep the syrup off his chin I approached holding out my emergency napkin &quot Steve baklava is perhaps the messiest of all Turkish pastries take this napkin as a token of my appreciation for the years of joy your comedy has brought to my life&quot I said quot Thank-you but it is actually a G lla and it finds its origins amongst the people of Mongolia&quot he quickly retorted quot Well excuse me&quot I shouted impressed with my own impovisatinal skills however he did not find this reference amusing and the subsequent silence was painfully awkward until Steve produced a shovel from inside his duffel coat and proceeded to smash my skull with it. As I collapsed into a pool of blood he threw the G lla onto my now dented cranium and then walked off. I couldn t help but think that whatever you say about him he sure knows a lot about pastry. http://www.gumtree.com/london/32/17966132.html A female sushi platter is required for a private function today. You will be required to lay naked on a table and have sushi arranged on your body. Easy work for a few hours you need to be uninhibited and waxed or trimmed neatly. http://www.gumtree.com/london/33/18222433.html Im looking for one or two low cost miniature horses as companion(s) to my aged Thoroughbred whose current little companion has cancer so Im looking for a new girlfriend(s) to keep him company into his dotage he has at least 10 years I would say as I take extremely good care of my horses (husband wishes he was a well looked after &lt G&gt Larry fights with big horses so new girlfriend Must be a miniature i.e. under 9h but the smaller the better. I can cope with scared starved as both of my current horses were &quot rescues&quot (as were all of my past horses Larry had been starved and beaten before I took him on (17 yrs ago) whilst bonny had been tormented to within an inch of her life by kids and then turned out for 4 yrs to think about it (shes been with me 9 yrs so is still rather wary of strangers. However new companion must be kind with at least the potential to be easy to handle as Im not getting any younger myself ok with a big horse (although we expect Bonny to live for another year so she will be on hand to help with getting used to having a large paddock mate around) and have good skin i.e. Not prone to the dreaded itch as our climate is hot and humid in summer which would be a nightmare for an &quot itchy&quot horse. We are a child-free experienced natural horse house My horses are hand fed twice a day to ensure they get all the correct vitamins and minerals in their diet plus have free access to 5 acres of pasture and a horse shelter. Regular worming farriery dentistry rugging grooming and just hanging out because I love to be with my horses is the lifestyle the new mini(s) would be coming to. I don t have much money to spend on Bonny s replacement(s) as it all goes on keeping my horses fit and healthy but can offer the very best of care love attention and a home for life. I want to buy out-right although Im happy to be inspected as often required for as many years as required Im not interested in &quot lease&quot arrangements as they only break your heart somewhere down the track. We are just over the Qld Nsw border in the Tweed Valley I don t have a float but can arrange transport (subject to Dpi permit as appropriate) if necessary http://www.gumtree.com/london/81/18207981.html Council tax re-valuers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas. We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isnt taxed or insured and doesnt even have a number plate but the police still do not do anything. Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his sons future wife but nothing has been proved yet. All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest who everyone thought was gay. Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The familys odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control Whod live near Windsor Castle http://www.gumtree.com/london/76/16952376.html Im curious to know whether anyone has seen this American truck-camper around Burnie or Tasmania within the last forty years. The truck is a 1966 Chevy half-ton pickup. The camper section could have been put on a different truck. My parents and I brought the unit to Australia in 1968 and travelled all around the continent. At that time it was an unusual vehicle in Australia and it attracted a lot of attention. In 1970 before leaving Sydney for New Zealand we sold the vehicle to Neil Munt of Burnie Tasmania. Im just wondering if the vehicle might still be around and if someone has a photo of it. Im planning an extended trip to Australia this year on the 40th anniversary of our original visit although I probably wont get to Tasmania. If anyone has relevant information I have additional photos and previous story of the vehicle in Australia which may be of interest. http://www.gumtree.com/london/75/17991175.html Im a little bit of a war film geek it has to be said. And ashamedly when I was still only a teenager I loved the film we were soldiers. If you dont know it its a vietnam war film with Mel Gibson and a bunch of other people youll recognise. I even bought it on Dvd i know.shocking. Well a few years passed without having watched it and then only a few weeks ago i saw it there on the shelf and thought &quot yeh ill watch that its been a while&quot I could not believe how bad this film had become as Id grown older not even that much older Such was my disgust I wanted to take the Dvd out of the machine and defacate on it. But I didnt. Instead Im going to give it away. Not because Im a sadist but because I believe the word should be spread and everyone should see for themselves just how atrocious this film truly is. If you want it its yours. Just tell me why you want the film.maybe youll be gross enough to do what I couldnt perhaps you have something you hate just as much and youd like to swap. Whatever it is just let me know. http://www.gumtree.com/london/58/18111458.html i have a tonne of a carbon dioxide oxygen mixture available now this would be useful for car tyres breathing filling empty spaces and inflating inflatable objects such as lilos beach balls etc. needs a good home i got some for inflating a football i got for xmas and i have lots leftover and i dont want to waste it. http://www.gumtree.com/london/55/18111455.html Has anyone got a job for that useless moron who sits near the gym on Riverside in Norwich? You know the guy I mean the one in the ever so strategic position just underneath (and therefore invisible to) the police Cctv camera. I was desperately trying to avoid him today because I was so very tired of being asked for yet more money when I noticed something very strange and hilariously funny. The guy in question was sat cross legged on the floor learning forward with his eyes closed. The strange thing was that he had his lips pulled back to expose all of his teeth and he stayed like this for some time. The funny thing was that the guys dog was stood in front of him frantically licking his owners teeth. Now I dont know if the guy was so drunk he was dreaming of some serious tongue action with Keira Knightley or if this was simply the way he maintains his oral hygiene but it was immensely funny even at the same time as it made me feel sick. So listen up can anyone find it in their hearts to give this guy a job? I doubt he is fussy after all anything has to be better than having your teeth licked by your dog. Perhaps someone has a job for a dog walker or something? http://www.gumtree.com/london/55/18589155.html i have a tonne of a carbon dioxide oxygen mixture available now this would be useful for car tyres breathing filling empty spaces and inflating inflatable objects such as lilos beach balls etc. needs a good home i got some for inflating a football i got for xmas and i have lots leftover and i dont want to waste it. http://www.gumtree.com/london/05/18019205.html hi every one i have a brand new bottle of rasberry jam free to any one who can collect it from hammersmith. it was bought just before christmas from sainsburys i was looking for strawberry jam and when i saw it on the bottom shelf without looking down i picked one up and put it in the basket only realising today that some dim wit had placed a rasberry jam in the strawberry jam section. i dont have the reciept but any rasberry lovers can come and take it awayits brand new happy new year every one http://www.gumtree.com/london/03/18019203.html Hey all 20 aussie female looking for some people to hang out with in Glasgow. Preferrably my own age being unbelievably good looking is a plus and you must be able to make me laugh at least once (smiles dont count)Im horrendously bored and sick of sitting around reading cosmo and listening to cds over and over again quite frankly im better than that. So if your around my age male or female gay or straight alien life form beamed from planet Ebksdjfd which in english translates to Ebksdjfd amazingly. Yeah I forget where I was going with that just email me or even sms me if you like 07790471689. Ps People who have less personality than wet cardboard kindly click the back button on your explorer window and forget you ever read this ad. Ty. http://www.gumtree.com/london/33/17966133.html Wanted some grass cutters. Have 16 acres i want to start clearing up. Will have good home. Will Not be used for meat. Thanks http://www.gumtree.com/london/09/17944809.html Maintenance technician travels regularly to Alpha Cantauri willing to share spaceship berth in exchange for contribution to massive fuel costs round trip 83 trillion Km Must have valid intergalactic passport. Most species acceptable except for homo sapiens who are generally regarded as being too agressive and unreliable for unsupervised space travel. http://www.gumtree.com/london/79/17920679.html me 5ft5 long blonde hair blue eyes red coat you tall athletic build dark hair gorgeous eyes I saw you in borders 28th around 5ish. I looked at you because I thought it was you who farted (was it I was totally memorized with your eyes and smile.Get in touch I smelt.I mean felt some connection. http://www.gumtree.com/london/74/17920674.html I m giving away 3 gold fishes they are gold in colour http://www.gumtree.com/london/51/14902251.html Hi we are looking for 3 people to share a big room in a townhouse located in Waterloo its Urgent 15 161-163 Phillip street 2017 Waterloo It will be for long term stay the room have its own private balcony and its private bathroom with air conditioned (ideal for couple On the video the room is the one with the red beds (the last one There is one bunk bed and one single. The house is fully furnished Tv Washing machine Dryer Dishwasher micro-wave matresses Internet (if you want to use Internet Wi-Fi it will be 20 dollars per month for Internet and phone together) It is very close to Surry Hills Shopping centre bus stop to Bondi Junction at 5m (355) and bus stop to City (343301302303) at 200m. No bills to pay as we rent our garage and bills are paid by this revenue. Only a bond of 640 dollars required (house furniture)per person. Rent is 105 per person per week. Room available from Saturday 22nd of december from midday. Contact Charlotte or Julien 04 3280 2864 Sat, 22 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT http://www.gumtree.com/london/98/17505798.html Seeking a disgustingly wealthy astonishingly handsome Aussie male who will whisk me over to Oz to spend the rest of my life in warmth sunshine and bliss Well a girl can dream cant she Meanwhile I will try to survive the rest of the winter in my cold grey uninhabitablearctic homeland where today once again the temperature is below sub zero and falling .It is no surprise to anyone who has ever visited Scotland in winter that William Wallace fair deserved the title Braveheart simply for wearing a skirt and no underwear br tough men indeed and may I add its not that Scottish men are all ugly but merely that its impossible to seperate the gods from the geeks when they are dressed like Eskimos with hoods pulled so tightly around their faces that you can only see the tip of their noses There is a plus side to living here though .One summer wardrobe lasts for a decade as we only get to wear summer gear one day a year Oh well I must return to work now but any offers on that whisking me away thing just drop me an email Mel Gibson lookalikes especially welcome http://www.gumtree.com/london/29/17437929.html Hi I have three large boxes of adult magazines and dvds which are available for anyone to take as I am getting married soon. http://www.gumtree.com/london/90/17388590.html I was recently passing through a local field as one does. There I met a stunning female. You had a very large stomach beautiful nipples which you let me squeeze and a prefence for a natural diet. If you are out there please get in touch. I think your name was Daisy but when you talked you were quite monosyllabic and I did not really understand. Then you sat down and ignored me and it started to rain. http://www.gumtree.com/london/86/17388586.html left hand sock found it at the central station if its yours please get in touch as it stinks http://www.gumtree.com/london/78/17206378.html Hello Id like to invite applications to be my new girlfriend from any famous actresses (film or tv) pop stars models or other well known girl about town types. Our budding romance would have to be splashed across the gossip pages of the tabloids with us getting out of flash cars fequenting high profile celebrity jaunts and film premieres. If your celebrity kudos is such that we would make front page news (for what I dont know.but Im sure we could sell some kinda made up story to the papparazzi then even better. Id normally just go for the non-celebrity type (though i am quite fussy) being rather non celebrity myself but am desperate to show two fingers up to my lying cheating stealing life sapping soul destroying little of an ex girlfriend that I have moved on from her onto bigger and better things and think this may be quite an effective way to go about it. I would be satisfied if this was just a business like arrangement as long as we achieved the desired amount of exposure .Interviews with Ok Hello or more upmarket rags if your celebrity status demands so then go our seperate ways having done a good thing and we finish with you being interviewed quoted in some magazine paper tv show how I was your greatest love and we shall always be friends but due to our busy schedules could not be together .you know we can work on the exit Hey just thought. maybe like some kind of mock wedding in a lil chapel in Las Vegas with an Elvis impersonator residing over the proceedings 2 weeks after meeting might get us alot of exposure thats the kind craze lurrve that Im talking about here to get us noticed. Everyone talking about the famous star and her bit of ruff lover boy will it last wont it will it wont it bets taken at Ladbrokes. is he after her money isnt he. I think your starting to get the picture now. Im not looking for a free lunch though you being superiorly far richer than lowly I I would not be adverse to you taking me shopping for some nice clothes just so I can look good on your arm for you .and the cameras dinner in posh restaurants the like. could be nice though not expected. Be nice to be looked after for a change though instead of taken for a mug again I of course still just being myself will gladly take you down the pub with my mates and their Gfs go for long walks holding hands talk life universe your mad uncle bob my crazy little niece and nephews and choose our babies names and every thing in between sit in a cafe chatting for hours get your Bafta Oscar nominated Art house film out on dvd from blockbusters .curl up on the sofa romantic weekends away not as flash your obviously used to but if you are really that down to earth normal girl from next door thats just really one of us and is in the business because its a passion in your blood. then you may actually enjoy my company and we may hit it off for real. No pressure. Me Caring honest good looking sexy guy .nice arse Relaxed witty intelligent and fun to be around hold a good conversation not fazed by celebrity and can dance You Famous rich drop dead gorgeous (optional as gorgeous would probably suffice) talented bags of celebrity mates classy sophisticated famous beautiful famous long legs famous nice bum and sexy and famous. Think that would do the trick got to be worth it just to show her if not would still be a good laugh and make me feel better Im sure you will enjoy it too This is a a 100 genuine ad please no timewaster Im just not in the mood Oh and by that I mean pic collectors cam girls russian mafia scammers guys and Abbey Titmus .just so you know Thankyou for reading the ad I shall try and respond to all replies as Im sure there will be lots please be patient ps If you are an actress pop star singer song writer etc please can we leave the drama at home Thanks pps Sorry Abbey but your just not my type M http://www.gumtree.com/london/50/17252150.html I was eating at Burgerking and there was this tatty looking greying blonde eating a Veggieburger at the next table. I had been checking her out all night but lacked the confidence to go to talk to her. Suddenly I farted and my glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the woman. With her quick reflexes despite the amount of Carlesberg Export she had drunk she caught it in midair quot Oh my god I am sorry I said as I popped my eye back in the socket quot Let me buy your Veggieburger to make it up to you and I will take you to Qd and buy you a Shell Suit some leggings and a pair of trainers&quot Shazza and I enjoyed a wonderful shopping trip together and afterwards I invited her back to my place for a drink. We went back to my place and after a bit I took her into the bedroom and began undressing her. We had wild passionate sex many times during the night despite her farting (nothing worse than a vegetarian fart The next morning when she awoke I had already got up and brought her another Veggieburger in bed but I declined anymore passionate sex Shazza was amazed quot You know you are the perfect man. Are you this nice to every slapper you meet quot &quot No&quot I replied quot You just happened to catch my eye &quot The Bitch Never Handed It Back If Anybody Knows The Whereabouts Of Shazza And Rec0GNISES My Eye Can I Please Have It Back. Reward Offered http://www.gumtree.com/london/69/17206369.html Hi I lost a R200 note in Cape Town last night. If anyone sees a R200 note please please please return it to me. I will give a reward of R50 for its safe return or if you give me information which then leads to the safe return of my R200 note. It looks like a normal R200 note. Not the new crisp looking notes you sometimes get from cash points but like its been used a bit. http://www.gumtree.com/london/08/17124808.html Looking for a female to share a room in a Kiwi Aussie share house. Need to be easy going and socialable. If you enjoy a party a drink and a yarn this place is for you. All are professionals and quiet through the week. come the weekend. we love to unwind with a beer and music Very large room with 2 double beds (and wardrobes drawers) in a large house with living room kitchen 2 toilets and large backyard. You will be sharing a room with an 18 year old Nz female. The rent is Cheap at £230 a month all inclusive rent will be £250 as of 01 01 08 Bond is £230 and we have a food house kitty of £15 a week. The cooking roster sees meals prepared 5 out of the 7 days (sun thurs) and the cleaning roster makes for a clean house. We have wireless internet home phone Sky tv dvd and central heating etc. About a 5 minute walk from Wembley Park station (Jubilee Metro lines 15 mins to Baker St) and nice and close to the Wembley Stadium. 24-hour Asda is close by as is nice pubs and restaurants. If any of this sounds appealing to you please do not hesitate to contact me via email and please tell me about yourself. The room is available Now. Look forward to hearing from you soon D Wed, 28 Nov 2007 00:00:00 GMT http://www.gumtree.com/london/86/16953886.html It s not the dress that s making you look fat it s your fat making you look fat. Now get out of the way you re blocking the Tv. Does that sound like the answer you would give to my question? If so then I want to date you I m looking for a man who is a real man They don t make them like they used to. In order to ensure only real men apply to my advert I have devised a test. If you agree with all of the statements I have listed below then contact me post-haste. However if you do not agree with them then go back to your facials and your pedicures you metrosexual. 1. It is never okay for real men to eat quiche. 2. Bacardi breezers are for girls only. 3. Real men must never have cats as pets. Instead they must own a dog. Real men type dogs are rottweilers alsatians (never ever call them German Shepherds ) great danes bulldogs or staffordshire bull terriers. These breeds of dog are more commonly known as devil dogs. They must have names like Satan or Lucifer. 4. It is only okay to kiss another male when that male is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only sportsmanlike way to let him know that for business reasons you must have him killed. 5. It is only acceptable to hug another male on two occasions (a You are performing the Heimlich Manoeuvre. In this case you must shout I am dislodging food trapped in this man s trachea I am in no way aroused (b Your team has just won a cup of any description. 6. A real man must ignore or deny physical pain. Even if you have taken a bullet to the arm you must insist that it is only a flesh wound You must then lock yourself in the bathroom in order to cry muffle your screams with the loofah pass out whilst still retaining your masculinity. 7. A real man will call a woman who will not sleep with him on the first date either a lesbian or frigid. If she does sleep with him on the first date then she is therefore a slut and not to be trusted around other men. 8. Having Match of the Day on the Tv during sex is the equivalent of having a Barry White album playing softly and a room full of rose petals and candles. 9. If you can t take it then you re not a real man (whatever it may be Gird your loins and get on with it. 10. Real men never admit to not understanding a political issue. Opinions are like pubic hair. You re not an adult male without them. 11. Real men never have to consult the Tv guide when there s a remote control handy. They just dive-bomb through all 100 channels evading the adverts like they do the G-spot. 12. Real men never ask How was it for you? because real men don t care. Real men also explain to their partner in explicit detail how their previous girlfriend was better sexier more adventurous etc than them. 13. Real men when their partner is around flick aloofly through their issue of Playboy or Mayfair as if it were a Reader s Digest. When with their mates they describe in detail exactly what they would like to do to each model. When alone they study and quantify each curve like a forensic scientist. 14. Real men earn more money than their partners. In the unlikely event that they don t real men will continuously put their partner and their mediocre career down chipping away at their self-esteem yet still accept money for essentials i.e. booze fags strip clubs etc. 15. Real men expect women to dress up each and every time they have sex i.e. stockings suspenders basque etc. However real men will not even bother to wash beforehand and will keep their socks on. 16. Real men consider any female fair game whether this be their partners sister best-friend mother the next door neighbour etc. If real men have their advances rejected they automatically assume that the female in question is a lesbian. 17. Real men are only permitted to cry on two occasions (a Your team loses b You receive a punch kick to the nuts. http://www.gumtree.com/london/01/16625801.html From the 20th of December the South Bank in London will be hosting the city s first ever slow food market. Organised by Slow Food UK to promote clean sustainable and fabulous tasting food the market will contain 25 stalls including Mark Gilchrist of Game for Everything a special Christmas range from Patchwork P t s specially prepared rare-bree pork and Somerset Cider Brandy stuffing and sausages courtesy of Sillfield Farm the Somerset Cider Brandy Company and Montgomery Cheddar and Stitchelton Blue Cheese from the famous Neal s Yard Dairy. Hungry yet? Well if you fancy getting your taste buds on this fantastic selection of festive foodstuffs then we might be able to help. The lovely people at the South Bank Employers Group have invited Qype.co.uk Londons newest local review site to the opening day of the market and have very kindly extended the invitation to the Qype Gumtree community. Well be visiting the market on the afternoon of Thursday 20th December (we haven t confirmed a time yet but it will probably be around 4ish) where we ll take a tour of the stalls before retiring to a nearby bar for a bit of Vip treatment. Unfortunately there s a limited number of places available for the trip so if you d like to come along for some food and fun then please send us an email and we ll put your name down on the list. And if you can t make it on the 20th or you re not in London then don t worry because we ll be holding a lot more events in 2008. Watch this space http en.blog.qype.com Thu, 20 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT http://www.gumtree.com/london/02/16897902.html Me Ginger with red eyes. You Black hair and dark eyes. 7 12 inches long i think including your tail Was on day out (escaped from cage Saw you and friends? relatives? in rubbish bags by sink in Kitchen. We both saw each other and sniffed the air. Smelled like love to me But your friends looked quite rough and I ran off without saying anything. regret it. Was a few months back but still cant get you out of my head If you or friends see this get in touch Am upstairs in double bedroom. Have cozy double glazed tank shared bathroom (cardboard box) no need for rumaging bin bags on cold days and nights as have food supply saved up for winter Enough for two. http://www.gumtree.com/london/69/16626069.html I have been here over three years now and I never thought it would happen but I think I like marmite more than vegemite. I dare not tell my family or friends for fear of ex-communication in fact I can barely understand how it happened myself but alas I must admit it I love marmite. http://www.gumtree.com/london/04/16625904.html Man why am i a sucker for girlsnever seems to turn out well women allways take my kindness for a weakness.Im not some soppy little pussy neither but i just try to make a lady happy and i always seem to get stabed in my heart.I think i should just become a cold bastard and treat them like shit because being a gentleman dont get you anywhere.Maybe loneliness is my destiny. http://www.gumtree.com/london/22/16583122.html Hi there I am new to the whole gothic emo thing and would like to try the whole make up thing. Unfortunately I am useless with that and have no idea how to start and what to do. Last time i tried I looked like a pissed up pandabear lol. So if you are able to help me and give me some training that would be greatly appreciated. I can bring some drinks with me to say thanks for your help. If you are willing to help then please get in touch Cheers Dark Dante http://www.gumtree.com/london/38/16563238.html Superb England Managers Jacket. Only 18 Months old. Initials Sm (Sad Man on front Very little wear and tear from use at victory parties Should have a least One Qualifying competition left in it. Specially tailored sloping shoulders that allow critisisms to just slide off try it for a year and a half and you too could find yourself a couple of million in the black Comes with a complete set of intructions and good advice unopened. Safety Warning This item should not be worn in public as it may incite riots or cause the new owner to be ridiculed. http://www.gumtree.com/london/64/16520764.html My friend Andrews lost a pair of testicals. Theyre brown extremely hairy (so Ive been told) and very small. They were last seen around the time he met his new girlfriend and since then he hasnt been able to locate them. Hes so distraught about losing them hes doing strange things like watching Notting Hill when the rest of us are down the pub buying flowers for his missus and drinking wine. Yes. Wine. And Im not talking about Lambrini 2 for £2 in Iceland. he drinks things he cant pronounce when sober let alone sozzled. Cheers http://www.gumtree.com/london/95/15284695.html hes a good worker a total nice specimen of a trojan variety he is tan in colour and solid and he doesnt shit much. Optional wheels to break into Troy etc. http://www.gumtree.com/london/14/14323714.html How to shower like a woman and how to shower like a man. How To Shower Like A Woman Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups leg-lifts etc. Get in the shower. Use wash cloth long loofah wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure its clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with a cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of Hyde Park. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like A Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way shake your dick at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your dick and scratch your arse. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot away. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your arse leaving those coarse arse hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohican. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire your dick in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open wet mat on floor and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife pull off towel shake your dick at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed http://www.gumtree.com/london/62/13806362.html The news I have to share today I hope will please you well. Though to some itll come as no surprise But only time will tell. Now as you know Ive posted ads In various different styles The pithy ones whose lines were few And the poems that went on for miles. As would be clear oh reader dear All were writ with tongue in cheek Since men of wit laconic Is the type of friends I seek. I was unsure just what to expect What fellows would reply quot Would anyone whom Id respect Write back to me quot thought I. Well goodness me the emails came From far flung parts of this city. Some wrote in the form of friendly chat One man even sang a ditty. There were humorous ones and boring ones And ones of dubious sanity There were passionate ones and tepid ones And ones filled with profanity. Some people wrote in poem form Some wrote me but one line Some sad ones wrote they felt forlorn Whilst other men felt fine. But the issue now Im raising here Is what the men were like After all a persons heart and souls More important than what they type. Ok so let me fill you in On the stats I came to glean From the type of emails sent to me Which were kind and which were mean? The majority of men seemed nice Of natures kind and sharing. They offered wording to entice And showed me they were caring. Now men like this were by and large The ones in the majority And thus the converse sort were few So thankfully- the minority. Im glad to see that goodness reigns And mans intrinsically fine And to all those men who went to pains To write words that are kind My thanks I give to you good Sirs My appreciations great And regardless of what this post incurs In truth my need was great. To just point out how many Lovely people walk this earth Let me add that of friendly folk There surely is no dearth. Alas there be exceptions To each and every rule As four or five men wrote to me In a manner more than cool. They did not write to say hello Their sentiments were trite The meaning of their words were so Hate fuelled and filled with spite. That only bitterness filled the screen When I read their words to me And I asked them back what benefit It gave them to be mean? So thanks again to those of you whose mail was warm and sweet Such that reading out the mail you sent For me was a great treat. But to the men whose words were terse Who bid me &quot f- off do &quot Whose hearts were cold and minds perverse Might I suggest the same to you. http://www.gumtree.com/london/31/16345931.html Snowman Wife our Son need a nice cold house share. We dont mind if you leave us out in the cold. All we ask is that you look after us. Our Snow Son goes to the Uwe where he is doing a degree in Frost. He went out with his Uwe mates last week and they stuck a traffic cone on his head. You must take Dhss as we have lost our jobs at Iceland due to being homless. Thank you Mr Snowy Sat, 17 Nov 2007 00:00:00 GMT http://www.gumtree.com/london/20/16345920.html What can I say I like geeky men. Alpha males have nothing on geeks passionate about their hobbies obsessively collecting comics Cds Dvds gadgets sci fi etc (delete as appropriate Sadly its not easy to meet geeky types when were probably both alone in our room doing uncool things late into the night in an alternate universe- reality is very disappointing Tall awkward long haired bespectacled geeks win bonus points http://www.gumtree.com/london/13/16345913.html Are you looking for a part-time job with many opportunities to travel? No skills are neccessary. Must be able to wave at public crowds and stay awake during Parliment sessions even if this means picking your ear wax and eating it like Mr Rudd. All apllicants must apply by Saturday to become Australias next Prime Minister http://www.gumtree.com/london/06/16345906.html