Ok, so Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and I need someone to accompany me to my company’s dinner dance that evening.
I was intending to pay for a male escort until a friend told me about Gumtree. Why pay good money for a guy when there are plenty of strange creatures on here who would probably be up for what would be a relatively good night out (and free - I’ve already purchased the tickets)?

With just over 5 weeks to go, I may as well be totally honest and tell you a few of my bad points as well as the good.

Bad:
1. I’m fat. F-A-T (not to be confused with phat - I guess this isn’t a bad thing for the fat-fetishists amongst you, but they are few and far between. I believe they only live in programmes such as Dispatches and Panorama - and in America. Damn my parents for living in the UK).
2. I am partial to alcoholic beverages - lots of them…all in the one night.
3. If I have to wear shoes with heels higher than an inch I moan and complain constantly about how sore my feet are, how the balls of my feet are burning, how my calf muscles are aching, how my back is cramping…Constantly. I am wearing 4 inch heels to the dance. I will be crippled after half an hour, and will require you to give me a piggy-back ride. I refer you again to point 1...F-A-T.
4. When drunk, I will pick fight with random strangers.
5. When drunk, I will cry for no reason at all.
6. I will expect you to hold my hair back for me whilst I vomit.
7. I will expect you to come to my aid when the police try to arrest me.
8. I will call my ex and make you talk to him, pretending to be my new boyfriend. You will be forced, under the threat of more tears from me, to tell him what a great girl I am.
9. I have an unhealthy rivalry with a work colleague, which is threatening to spill over into real-life handbags at 20 paces, at the Dinner Dance Debacle. You will be expected to act as my back-up, if her partner tries to get involved. He is a martial arts instructor, but I’m sure, that together we could take him.

Good:
1. I can spell reasonably well. (And am also good at using rhyming words in sentences, as just evidenced).
2. And that’s about it.

You:
1. Must be male, or a mannish looking female who is able to convincingly pull off the wearing of a dinner suit.
2. Must not flirt or be in any way polite to said rival work colleague mentioned in point nine.
3. Drama student a bonus , to successfully feign great interest in me. Also a bonus if you are able to laugh on cue.
4. Must have good memory to remember all the points of the elaborate story I am going to concoct to explain to work colleagues how we first met. It involves a number 9 bus, Luigi the mafia man, a Yorkshire terrier and a pickled onion.

Anyone interested?

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